Tuesday poem - 'First ... then ... ' by Melinda Smith

First ... then ...


First change nappy
Then Thomas the Tank Engine

First clothes on
Then sandpit

First wash hair
Then chocolate frog

First the only baby crying all night in the hospital

       Then the only baby wailing for the whole of mothers’ group

First the only mother convinced her child was permanently angry

       Then the only one holding him in her arms and doing deep knee bends to
       calm him down

First thinking it was normal to scream until throwing up whenever we changed
       routine

       Then shocked when I realised other families didn’t have to live like that

First astonished he could read at eighteen months

       Then astonished at his shrieks every time his baby brother cried

First proud of every fact he could recite about the planet Jupiter

       Then wondering why he needed twelve weeks of physio to learn how to jump

First hair cut

Then play with spray bottle

First stop biting Mummy

Then play with sliding door

First poo *in toilet*

Then flush 

First letting his father talk me out of it

       Then talking myself out of it

First knowing those therapists just didn’t get my child

       Then googling autism with a chill in my heart

First joking about ‘our little Rain Man’

       Then realising the joke was on me

First paralysis

       Then fear

First incomprehension

       Then overload

First Music Therapy

       Then Homeopathy

First Triple-P Parenting for Parents of Children with Disabilities

       Then Encouraging the Reluctant Eater

First Occupational Therapy

       Then the social worker

First trusting the system

       Then realising the system didn’t care enough or have enough money 

First sit at table to eat

Then spinning with Mummy

First swallow medicine
Then build washing machine from cardboard boxes

First reading lots of parent testimonials

       Then feeling like scum for not doing six hours of therapy with him every day

First wonderfully affirmed by Welcome to Holland

       Then convinced Welcome to Holland left a lot of shit out

First talking to happy well-adjusted mums of older kids on the spectrum

       Then terrified our family would disintegrate before our kids ever got to that
       age

First poring over Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome for those who love and care
       for three-to-seven- year-olds

       Then realising the only book I needed to read was The Curious Incident of
       the Dog in the Night Time

First joining support groups

       Then walking out of meetings because the horror stories people told at them
       could not possibly be true

First counselling

       Then drugs

First sobbing to my friends

       Then avoiding my friends and hating their normal uncomplicated children

First hearing that carers of autistic children are as stressed as soldiers in combat

       Then bawling my eyes out 

First thread beads on string

Then letterbox-counting walk

First stay at special needs soccer for ten minutes
Then computer time

First nearly destroying my marriage

       Then clinging to my marriage

First regretting the second child

       Then realising the second child would probably save us all

First wanting my husband to see things my way

       Then grateful he didn’t

First mourning my old life

       Then understanding you never really get it back anyway

First obsessed with getting the whole family to accept the diagnosis

       Then learning to take what help I could get and live with the elephant in the
       room

First shame

       Then resentment

First desperate for pity

       Then desperate for respite care

First whining

       Then laughing

First crawling through it

       Then writing about it

First today

       Then tomorrow 

Melinda Smith

While I was up in Canberra for the Noted festival, I invested in a copy of First … Then ... (Ginninderra Press) by Melinda Smith. I had heard her read some of them at her La Mama gig here in Melbourne so I was pretty sure I would like the book. Well I did like the book, but I was also incredibly moved - moved to pity, moved to tears - and then, cathartically, moved on to another place. I kind of got it, I glimpsed it. I don't feel as if I want to write too much about the experience of reading these twenty-four poems from Planet Autism. Melinda wrote them. I read them. Enough.

All the poems are available to read on the website below, with some intriguing explication, and there is guidance as to how to source the book, if like me, you prefer to hold a book in your hand.

https://circlequirk.wordpress.com/